If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
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I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Feels like there should be a middle ground
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
the council will decide your fate
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.