Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
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The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
The Struggle
everyone has that one prude friend
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Me driving through Toronto
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
it’s finally my moment to shine
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Good point.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.