Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
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her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.