Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
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If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
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If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
who will stop them
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As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.