Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
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[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Don’t forget to tip your server
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.