Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
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Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.