Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
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HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
(Jupiter –
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
she has a point
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.