*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
They’re the worst 😩
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”