I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
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“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.