[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
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One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you