wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
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If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Worth the read.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Hmm, not sure about this change
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.