*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
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It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Does this dress make me look cat?
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile