Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
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Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing