I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
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My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit