I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
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Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Cake!!
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.