Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
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me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.