A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
You Might Also Like
Trying
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”