Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
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Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Saw your ex at the shops
Best spoiler warning ever
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.