Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
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Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.