My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
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Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
how it started vs how it ended
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.