You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
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Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Fluff me with a fork baby
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Mission: Impossible
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear