@Cpin42

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

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@chaesoberrie

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

@RobSprance

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

@MarkBuckawicki

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

@Love_bug1016

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

@OfficeofSteve

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

@honeybadgerMel

Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.

@Urr_kah

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

@kidnappedagain

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks