Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
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Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”