By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
You Might Also Like
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Ferrari squats
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.