Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
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My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Put the is in disheveled
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial