Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
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Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”