infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
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just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I’m going to need a moment here.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
that wasn’t the question
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
My dog ate my work from home.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
live long and prosper!
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat