Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
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Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
and now we wait