Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
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Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I’M CRYINGGG
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning