Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
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One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
North and South
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”