Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
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We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.