[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
You Might Also Like
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*