It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
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Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Fixed this for Shakespeare
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
We avoided this particular disaster
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.