It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
You Might Also Like
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
I need to update my racial profile.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.