“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
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*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Dolls on drugs
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.