Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
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*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.