The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
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Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem