If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
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My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.