When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
You Might Also Like
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Every photo I’m tagged in
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.