Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

“I can’t feel my legs”

–mermaids

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

“Morning guys”

“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”

– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest