Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
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*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Hello, my name is Pierre.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
that colleague who touches your screen
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I need to get some bricks…
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.