Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
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Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.