Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
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The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I have never heard an armadillo before.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.