In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Tuesday
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
It’s the weekend y’all
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!