I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
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Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog