As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
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Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I hope Alan is OK
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.