They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
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The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
bad news gang
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Sign at work today
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Eat…
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.