No. He’s not coming out to play

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If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!


Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.


*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing


[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”


the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet


Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel


*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel


When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.


Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.