@bingowings14

No. He’s not coming out to play

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@50FirstTates

they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store

@BabouDali

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

@Kirangandhi

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

@Jez1

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot

@HickoryHaggis

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

@XplodingUnicorn

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

@tayandmae

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

@PaulyPeligroso

When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.

@dakarrier

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.