@bingowings14

No. He’s not coming out to play

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@RealDMK

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

@sixfootcandy

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

@chetporter

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

@dogfather

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

@enerianna

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet

@dlicj

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

@aidanjsears

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

@iamfacciabella

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

@joe_binkley

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.