No. He’s not coming out to play
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My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*