Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
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Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.