God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
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Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying