Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”

netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not

netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS

me: this is my worst nightmare

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.