You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
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This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*