You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
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Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?