[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
You Might Also Like
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
socratic questions
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.