ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
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8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Meanwhile in Canada…
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP